From Airline Management...

Dear Co Worker,

The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the marketplace. We need to make changes in response.

While there have been several fare increases, those increases haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully navigate these difficult times.

Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior flight attendants by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior fa's will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Flight Attendants who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Slapped FA's can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All FA's who have been Slapped or Screwed may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the new policy, an FA may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, by may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an FA follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any FA who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger flight attendants who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training our FA's through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our FA's receive. We have given our FA's more SHIT than any company in this area. If any FA feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your inflight Supervisor, Your Inflight Supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can handle.

AND, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!