Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 P.M.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!!!
December 9:
We woke up to a beautiful landscape of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a little boy again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun had melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible, Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling., but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and purchased a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tire's for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day, goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snowblower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she.nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!!! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open presents, but I was busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the rotten slop overnight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!!! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The bitch is driving me crazy.
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?